Believe it or not, to my shame, I've seen all of the Twilight movies. This is not something I'm proud of, and lest I be confused with a Twilight fan, I would like to give a review of Breaking Dawn Part 1, which I had the dubious honor of seeing with my sister last month.
The Quick Takeaway: This is the worst movie I've ever seen.
My sister Marnie and I decided in advance of our trip back to Peoria for Christmas that we would go see Twilight in the theater. We watched the first one together and nearly fell over laughing at many points, unintentionally funny of course. We looked up movie times and theaters to find out when we could go, and the movie was only playing still in 1 theater, 2 separate times. Should have been a sign of some kind. We decided to go to the late show, which started at 10:30ish or something. When we arrived there was already one couple in the theater, which made us a bit concerned... we knew that we would be annoying to the genuine fan since this movie was sure to prove hilarious. (side note: it was a couple!! on their anniversary!! this would be akin to me telling josh we were going to have our fingernails pulled off for our anniversary!!) They said they weren't real fans so no worries if we starting laughing. Phew. Then a middle-aged man walked in by himself. Twilight?? Whatever. The previews rolled and then came the film.
Oh. my. dear. goodness.
Sheer. comedy.
Worst. acting. ever.
Worst. screenplay. ever.
Here are some of my favorite highlights:
1. Edward invited Jacob to his and Bella's wedding as a wedding present for Bella. Do you really invite the man that your fiancee is still kind of in love with and barely passed up for you? Bella and Jacob shared a touching dance in the woods and you kind of got the idea that she was a little sorry she had picked Edward. Definitely not how I would choose to celebrate my wedding, by inviting your new wife to have a moment with her sort of ex that she still likes, but I'm not a vampire.
2. This line.
Edward: I'll see you at the altar.
Bella: I'll be the one in white.
Enough said on that.
3. Bella's entire pregnancy. Ridiculous. First of all, she started to feel the baby after 1 day of pregnancy, and the whole gestation seemed to last for about a month or so. While I wish pregnancy were this quick, it's not. Maybe I need to start carrying vampire babies.
4. Bella and Edward's names for their baby. Girl? Renesme, after their mothers Renee and Esme. That's a good one. Boy? E.J. for Edward Jacob. Going to name your son after your husband and the runner-up who you still kind of like? Classy. At least then you can look at your child and remember that you could have been a werewolf wife. (Why does Edward go along with this???) Bet you anything we start hearing the name Renesme as Twilight fans move into the childbearing years. You heard it here first.
5. Edward performing surgery on Bella with his teeth. At this point we were cackling. That was so ridiculous, with so little explanation of what was actually going on and why he was performing a c-section on his wife with his teeth. Disgusting. And just weird.
6. Said baby was born looking like Wren looks now. Maybe that was why her gestation was so short. (If you're curious, it was Renesme.)
7. The talking werewolves. They spoke the most horrible lines to each other. It was hilarious.
8. At one point Jacob suddenly turns into his werewolf self and in the process his shirt rips since his werewolf self is so big, and the teenage girls get a quick, luscious glance at Taylor Lautner's 6-pack. You knew that would be in there somewhere.
There were so many more moments that made us laugh- I really believe this was the worst movie I've ever seen, and once Josh picked out a movie where Nicolas Cage was a motorcycle rider whose head started on fire. I always knew it would take a lot to top that as worst movie ever, but Breaking Dawn took the cake. Never have I seen a franchise with a screenplay so poorly written- I haven't read the books and maybe these are just horrible adaptations, but the characters are horrible. They have the most wooden and context-less exchanges. Edward and Bella have no chemistry whatsoever and never have conversations that aren't frought with angst and manufactured emotion. The bottom line: I don't know why these movies are a phenomenon.
But if you're just looking for laughs, definitely rent this one! It won't disappoint.
2. These parenting DVDs from Paul Tripp. They are wonderfully helpful and so convicting too. I definitely recommend them. (Although Josh and I have an ongoing conversation about Paul Tripp. His brother Tedd wrote Shepherding a Child's Heart, which has very similar content, yet you never hear about Tedd Tripp. Did Paul steal his material and stuff him in his trunk or something??) That aside, this is a wonderful resource if you're interested.
5. Our church. The kids and I have had the privilege of having lots of playdates over the last few weeks with moms and kids from our church, and it has been a delight to get to know people from our new community better. We're so grateful for the warm welcome we've received!
